Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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