She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
