Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
