I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize