dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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