I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
