cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
