just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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