The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
