You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
