i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
