the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
it was like having sex with a tree stump
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
