so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
