you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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