yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
