He asked to "fluff my boner.."
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
