i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
