I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
