I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
