What a fucking waste of an outfit
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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