So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
