i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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