genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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