His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
