there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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