the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
