Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
