She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
