Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(408): View more from California

Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.

(571): View more from Virginia

I'd say they're off to a great start!

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(260): View more from Indiana

Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!

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(770): View more from Georgia

You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor

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(850): View more from Florida

Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.

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