Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
