I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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