I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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