I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
