So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
