Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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