Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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