it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
