the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
