She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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