i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
is wine microwaveable?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
