don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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