I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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