So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
