my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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