Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
