That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Your penis caused this!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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