This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize