Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Nobody cheats on THIS.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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