Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
