new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
did i just pee glitter
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
