It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
That accounts for only three of the penises
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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