Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
