I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
