I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
