Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
