Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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