im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
