I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
