i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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