C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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