Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
