I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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