so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
