The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
